Monday, August 26, 2013

That's me in the corner

As some of you may have seen, late last week I posted a blog here asking for donations so that I could attend PAX Prime. I don't want to bullshit and make up some excuse or even try to explain why I did what I did before I say this:

It was wrong of me.

It was wrong of me to be selfish and entitled in that way. I don't think of myself as a selfish/entitled person, and I wasn't trying to be so conceited, but nevertheless, that's what I was. One of the biggest questions I'd failed to ask myself was, "Why me?"

I love myself quite a lot (insert masturbation joke), so obviously I, as Present-Day-Sophie, would have liked it if Future-Sophie (or Sophie 2099 if you're feeling Spider-Man references) had gotten to attend. But why not Future-John, Future-Jane, Future-Anyone? Why did I deserve to go more? Because I was scheduled to be on a panel discussing gender politics? Look, you can get that from me on Twitter or here anytime you want - or, if Sincerely, Sophie comes through, via my web show. Which actually brings me to my next explanation/apology.

Kickstarter does a lot to help you out along the way as you plan out a project. It has guidelines, suggestions, even a few tutorials. It recommends you thoroughly plan and detail your project, and keep up-to-date with backers. One thing it does not prepare you for - and I'm not saying it should have, as responsibility is on me - is the emotional toll creating and running a Kickstarter has.

Sincerely, Sophie truly is a dream of mine. And yeah, right now, I've got basically nothing to show for it. The pitch video was shot on an iPad and put together in open-source video editing software. It was the first time I'd ever used such a program. I'm also - and you may not believe me here - horribly self-conscious about appearing on-camera for you all. Or at least I was. Maybe I still am. Honestly not sure on that one. But as a transgender person, the simple fact is yes, I do worry what you think of me. And while the initial hours of the Kickstarter launch went well, and without a troll in sight, I've gotten some... distressing messages since that time. The Kickstarter itself has also underperformed in regards to my hopes/expectations. I had concluded that if 50% of my Twitter followers could spare $10, I'd be more than 50% funded. Don't ask me where I got the idea of 50% and 50% and $10, though; I might've picked them because they seemed reasonable and mentally satisfying (like when you go to the grocery store and your total ends up being right on the dollar).

All that adds up to me being a nervous wreck after the Kickstarter launch, despite some really positive first-hours feedback and numbers. Suddenly I was more concerned with money than ever, and the fact that my part-time job opted not to give me my final two weeks' worth of work wasn't helping. I began realizing just how tough things were going to be in the coming months, and all the fun things I was sure to miss out on, PAX included. I was, in a word, heartbroken. And let's admit it, I lost my mind a bit because of that.

None of this is meant as an excuse, merely an explanation. I want to be transparent with you all, and I want you to know where I stand. I want you to know that it bothers me that I so callously disrespected you all, and that I was so thoughtless, and greedy. I didn't act out of malice, but in this case, thoughtlessness is just as bad. The past couple days have been stressful almost to the point of breaking, and I have acted like a spoiled little shit.

But that's not who I am, and I'm sorry if I gave the impression otherwise, to any of you. Trust me, happy and fun Sophie is here, or at least right around the corner, and she wants to say hello again. She just has to change clothes and straighten her hair up first (nice way of saying I need to calm the fucktits down).

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I'll see you soon.


Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Sophie does Kickstarter // AKA: Sincerely, Sophie LAUNCHED!!

Hey everyone,

So as you may have heard, I'm on Kickstarter now! Woo! Before you read any further, feel free to check it out:

Alright, did you watch the video? Did you check out the awesome rewards? Did you laugh at my jokes? Good! Welcome back to the post where I explain why I'm doing Kickstarter.

Simply put: It's a dream. Maybe a pipedream, but a dream nonetheless. Growing up and watching people like Adam Sessler and Morgan Webb on TV, as well as people like Jim Sterling, Max Scoville, Tara Strong, Yahtzee, and Totalbiscuit on TEH INTERWEBS, I've always felt a certain sense of adoration toward those who put themselves out there and become the star personalities they are. I've always wanted to be like them.

As you heard in my pitch video, I've been a performer for years. I've loved being one, and frankly, it broke my heart a little when I transitioned to being Sophie, because I knew it meant my acting days were probably over. I was too shy, too intimidated, and too afraid of what people would say to put myself in so much spotlight. Well, no longer. I'm prepared to give this thing my damndest, and if I fail, well at least I tried. I shot for a dream.

Honestly, my hands are shaking so much and my head is racing with a million thoughts and anxieties that I don't know how coherent this blog post will be. I'm so excited to be giving this a shot, and I couldn't be happier to see so many people are already responding positively to the news. I take this INCREDIBLY seriously, and I know that a lot of what people are donating comes based on FAITH in me and my abilities, because let's face it: that pitch video? Not the greatest ever made; it was shot on an iPad and edited with open source software. This project is literally NOTHING without you, and already people are saying "YES, we CAN and we WILL help you."

I don't think there are enough words in the world to express how that makes me feel. Thank you all so much for being there for me, and even if you don't back my Kickstarter, thank you for being a part of my life. I always thought that I'd be a nobody trapped in my hometown of 1,200 people, but I've risen to such heights, all because YOU helped me there. I love each and every one of you.