Monday, August 26, 2013

That's me in the corner

As some of you may have seen, late last week I posted a blog here asking for donations so that I could attend PAX Prime. I don't want to bullshit and make up some excuse or even try to explain why I did what I did before I say this:

It was wrong of me.

It was wrong of me to be selfish and entitled in that way. I don't think of myself as a selfish/entitled person, and I wasn't trying to be so conceited, but nevertheless, that's what I was. One of the biggest questions I'd failed to ask myself was, "Why me?"

I love myself quite a lot (insert masturbation joke), so obviously I, as Present-Day-Sophie, would have liked it if Future-Sophie (or Sophie 2099 if you're feeling Spider-Man references) had gotten to attend. But why not Future-John, Future-Jane, Future-Anyone? Why did I deserve to go more? Because I was scheduled to be on a panel discussing gender politics? Look, you can get that from me on Twitter or here anytime you want - or, if Sincerely, Sophie comes through, via my web show. Which actually brings me to my next explanation/apology.

Kickstarter does a lot to help you out along the way as you plan out a project. It has guidelines, suggestions, even a few tutorials. It recommends you thoroughly plan and detail your project, and keep up-to-date with backers. One thing it does not prepare you for - and I'm not saying it should have, as responsibility is on me - is the emotional toll creating and running a Kickstarter has.

Sincerely, Sophie truly is a dream of mine. And yeah, right now, I've got basically nothing to show for it. The pitch video was shot on an iPad and put together in open-source video editing software. It was the first time I'd ever used such a program. I'm also - and you may not believe me here - horribly self-conscious about appearing on-camera for you all. Or at least I was. Maybe I still am. Honestly not sure on that one. But as a transgender person, the simple fact is yes, I do worry what you think of me. And while the initial hours of the Kickstarter launch went well, and without a troll in sight, I've gotten some... distressing messages since that time. The Kickstarter itself has also underperformed in regards to my hopes/expectations. I had concluded that if 50% of my Twitter followers could spare $10, I'd be more than 50% funded. Don't ask me where I got the idea of 50% and 50% and $10, though; I might've picked them because they seemed reasonable and mentally satisfying (like when you go to the grocery store and your total ends up being right on the dollar).

All that adds up to me being a nervous wreck after the Kickstarter launch, despite some really positive first-hours feedback and numbers. Suddenly I was more concerned with money than ever, and the fact that my part-time job opted not to give me my final two weeks' worth of work wasn't helping. I began realizing just how tough things were going to be in the coming months, and all the fun things I was sure to miss out on, PAX included. I was, in a word, heartbroken. And let's admit it, I lost my mind a bit because of that.

None of this is meant as an excuse, merely an explanation. I want to be transparent with you all, and I want you to know where I stand. I want you to know that it bothers me that I so callously disrespected you all, and that I was so thoughtless, and greedy. I didn't act out of malice, but in this case, thoughtlessness is just as bad. The past couple days have been stressful almost to the point of breaking, and I have acted like a spoiled little shit.

But that's not who I am, and I'm sorry if I gave the impression otherwise, to any of you. Trust me, happy and fun Sophie is here, or at least right around the corner, and she wants to say hello again. She just has to change clothes and straighten her hair up first (nice way of saying I need to calm the fucktits down).

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I'll see you soon.


1 comment:

  1. Truth be told, I appreciate the apology on the PAX thing. I have to admit, I took offense to it at the time. I've been extremely bitter that I missed out on going simply because I didn't check Twitter for a couple hours while I was at work, and I was curious how you could even make it if you didn't have a ticket already. (I still don't fully understand)

    Anyway, chin up. I ain't mad, and you shouldn't be either. You'll figure it all out one way or the other.